In Appreciation

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I got this certificate in the mail last Wednesday.  It came from the Southern Poverty Law Center, signed by Morris Dees.  I do not know by which route it came to me – it was an utter surprise.  I wish … Continue reading

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Suicide – up much


So, I haven’t been on the computer much since Thursday. Once again I discovered I slept through a complete day – last Friday, never got out of bed.

I have always loved my life. I have had a few setbacks, enough to cause me to go into a deep depression, and go suicidal twice. I got help both times, and went to a Mental Health Specialist for a while.

When I realized that sleeping through whole days was a sign of my clinical depression returning, I thought seriously once again about suicide. And I simply cannot do that. I have so many things at hand to help me through these episodes, but I honestly think this whole political season has just about done me in. I don’t trust anyone from our government, nor so many people any longer. I don’t want to get up and face each day. I don’t see a reason to do so.

I have loved politics all my life. I have had fun in politics, working to try and better things, fighting for equal rights for all, no matter who they are. I have walked streets and knocked on doors, and I went on one bus tour for a candidate just a few years ago. Otherwise, it has always been volunteering in offices and making phone calls and keeping up databases and knocking on doors.

I know Hillary to be a good woman, and I liked her husband as our president. I understood, and understand, what is important when a person wants to be my president. I have known her to help so many, especially children. I have watched her through many trials, and tests of character, and as a mom, and have admired her in so many ways, and for so long. I have actually, though, have to defend her integrity so many times I feel like a broken record.

In the meantime, so many people want to crucify her for doing some things that other presidents and their posses, particularly George W. Bush, have gotten by with. It is okay for them, but not for her. I don’t know if it is just because she is a woman, or if we just have so many wicked people who wish they could get away with the same evil deeds these others are doing. I am especially fed up with those who call themselves christians, believing, I guess, that since they have been baptized, they are once saved always saved. This means that since I have been baptized, even though I no longer follow the christian faith, that I could go out and kill one of you and still get to heaven. Wouldn’t it be an awful disappointment to all you self-righteous folk for this pagan to actually get into your idea of heaven just because I have actually been baptized twice – both times into the church of christ, one of the most strict of all in saying how we should live purely.

Well, I woke up early on Saturday and finally got out of bed. I left my computer pretty much alone, and watched college football all day. It didn’t hurt that all of my teams won – Notre Dame, Oklahoma State, Auburn, Clemson, Louisiana State University – but I especially said to myself I’m not going to let you do this to me.

So I’m going to vote early, I’m going to vote for Hillary Clinton and Tim Kaine, and Democratic right down the ballot. And if in Texas there is a race that does not have a Democrat running, I’m going to write someone in just to keep a Republican out.

And after this year, I’m giving up politics. I have seen the worst, now, and the stupidity, now, and the stubbornness, now, and the hatred. I have seen enough innocent people killed by people who love their guns, especially their assault weapons. I have learned that there is just not enough compassion and kindness and love in our world any longer, and although I still believe there is good in most people, the media are not giving them the coverage they should have. They pretty much prefer the titillating stuff that keeps people upside down.

I refuse to let you do this to me. I still have love and kindness and compassion to give, and even those who take advantage of that (I recently gave a needy neighbor $40 to sweep and mop my apartment, and it never got done), but I can get beyond that too.

I can not wish good things to most of you any longer, but I have learned to treasure those who are my friends, and who have the same amount of love and compassion and kindness in them, and they, my dear ones, are the ones who will keep my alive and kicking. The rest of you can just go jump off a cliff into a lava dome, and see if I care. No thoughts and prayers from me for any of you. And don’t come calling for my help, ever.

God/dess bless the rest of you;
In hope and faith in good,

Carol Stepp, Austin, TX

Posted in Equality, Family, Friends, Health, Mental health, personal thoughts | Leave a comment

2016 Rio Olympic Games


This year’s Olympic games were a delight.  I saw a lot of good athletes.  I particularly still love the Track and Field more than anything else, but I saw a lot of good beach volley ball from both men and women, enjoyed the different boat venues, especially the scull races, and some white-water canoeing, and saw my first Rugby ever, having a really good time with that, though I need to learn what the rules of the game are.

I have only one criticism, but it is a big one.  Sports coaches and rules committees and the makers of Olympic uniforms have gone way too far with the technical aspects of some of the sports.  This is why I found myself liking the rhythmic gymnastics way more than the regular gymnastics, and the duet and group swims .  That is why I prefer to watch the field sports more than the swimming.

Well, swimming was never my favourite sport anyway.  I do like the diving.  Unfortunately, in the intent to make as little stress and pull, even a friend commented on how the swimmers completely shave their bodies (they don’t have any body hair), they wear these teeny little suits.  Same with the women in beach volley ball.  Same with the gymnasts.

I’m no prude; I like the human body, especially the male body (well, I’m a woman).  I don’t mind if their genitals show up (and yes, so do the women’s because of the Venus mound).  It makes it easier for them to move.  I just remember how sweet Olga Korbut looked in 1972 with her little fuzzy gymnastic uniform which legs came over her butt.  Or the swimmers and divers when I wasn’t just waiting to see if hitting the water was going to yank their bathing suits off.  I know the bikinis keep sand out of various soft spots in beach volley ball, but so would shorts with a bit longer leg, which didn’t creep up and begin to look like thongs.

Perhaps this is why I like the winter Olympics a bit more than I do the summer Olympics.  I know they wear streamlined uniforms as well, but at least they let me look at the people and how they move without wondering if they were going to lose their clothing.

Maybe someday the games will be played as the Greeks played them – completely naked, and maybe we will also see a one-minute mile.  Of course originally only Greek men were in the Olympics, and they only had field sports.  But with the way things are headed these days, it would not surprise me to see co-ed naked games.  Except I suppose they will still have to find a way to keep breasts and penises out of the way.

Still, I love the Olympics.

Carol Stepp, Austin, TX

Posted in Olympics, Sports, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

2016 Rio Olympic Games


This year’s Olympic games were a delight.  I saw a lot of good athletes.  I particularly still love the Track and Field more than anything else, but I saw a lot of good beach volley ball from both men and women, enjoyed the different boat venues, especially the scull races, and some white-water canoeing, and saw my first Rugby ever, having a really good time with that, though I need to learn what the rules of the game are.

I have only one criticism, but it is a big one.  Sports coaches and rules committees and the makers of Olympic uniforms have gone way too far with the technical aspects of some of the sports.  This is why I found myself liking the rhythmic gymnastics way more than the regular gymnastics, and the duet and group swims .  That is why I prefer to watch the field sports more than the swimming.

Well, swimming was never my favourite sport anyway.  I do like the diving.  Unfortunately, in the intent to make as little stress and pull, even a friend commented on how the swimmers completely shave their bodies (they don’t have any body hair), they wear these teeny little suits.  Same with the women in beach volley ball.  Same with the gymnasts.

I’m no prude; I like the human body, especially the male body (well, I’m a woman).  I don’t mind if their genitals show up (and yes, so do the women’s because of the Venus mound).  It makes it easier for them to move.  I just remember how sweet Olga Korbut looked in 1972 with her little fuzzy gymnastic uniform which legs came over her butt.  Or the swimmers and divers when I wasn’t just waiting to see if hitting the water was going to yank their bathing suits off.  I know the bikinis keep sand out of various soft spots in beach volley ball, but so would shits with a bit longer leg, which didn’t creep up and begin to look like thongs.

Perhaps this is why I like the winter Olympics a bit more than I do the summer Olympics.  I know they wear streamlined uniforms as well, but at least they let me look at the people and how they move without wondering if they were going to lose their clothing.

Maybe someday the games will be played as the Greeks played them – completely naked, and maybe we will also see a one-minute mile.  Of course originally only Greek men were in the Olympics, and they only had field sports.  But with the way things are headed these days, it would not surprise me to see co-ed naked games.  Except I suppose they will still have to find a way to keep breasts and penises out of the way.

Still, I love the Olympics.

Carol Stepp, Austin, TX

Posted in personal thoughts, Sports | 1 Comment

Hillary Clinton’s emails


Every fucking time I turn on MSNBC, one of the reporters is talking again about Hillary Clinton’s emails. I guess since they don’t have anything else to say about her, they will keep on and on about it. So she made a bad decision. All of us make bad decisions. I don’t use my email because it is so hackable. But I write freely on both my blog space, and on my Facebook page.

Well, I can only believe that today’s journalists think that anything they can say against someone who is so well-loved by we the people will make them look “smart”, or “interesting”. Funny they don’t think the same thing about Donald Trump. Everything he has said, by twitter or in press conferences, has been an insult to someone, yet they seem to want to make excuses for him. I have to believe that they want him to become our president. Maybe they hope it will keep their jobs safe if he becomes president because then they will have something to talk about everyday.

So let’s compare the sins of our candidates. Hillary goofed with an email. I really would like to know what this email said that has everybody harping on it continuously.

Trump, on the other hand, has insulted women, Hispanics, Muslims, a gold-star mother and father, John McCain, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, John Kasich, Hillary, Tim Kaine, a Mexican judge, and lied about Putin and Russia, called Belgium a beautiful city, says Putin will never go into the Ukraine, and refuses to say anything about his intents as president, saying only believe me, or I can do it all by myself. He has spoken out loud about a secret from files he was given.

If you are so against Hillary for an email, or other imagined wrongs she really has not done, instead choosing Donald Trump with all his nastiness, mentally-ill, grandiose, megalomaniac, asshole-mouthed idiot, then you deserve what you get.

I love my country, and I want what is good for everyone, and all humans with the same rights. If this and all our other freedoms go away, I swear I will spend the last years of my life in a cave somewhere. I refuse to live in a place where people think Donald Trump is the best we can do.

Carol Stepp
Austin, TX

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Republican Convention


As a liberal Socialist Democrat, I wondered if I could tolerate watching the Republican Convention. I lasted about a day and a half. Monday night was an interesting night, and I wanted to hear Melania speak. I thought she did an excellent job, and was quite surprised to hear all the criticism on Tuesday about her using so much of Michelle’s 2008 speech. Plagiarism is such a broad word. While I agree that plagiarizing someone else’s scientific or critical paper is wrong, wrong, wrong, a speech about loving one’s husband is going to carry the same catchwords.
While I deplore that a speechwriter could not have actually written a speech using the same kinds of words, and left Melania open to criticism, I think it is just much ado about nothing. That speech should not have been the basis for a political convention.

As for yesterday, Tuesday, I cannot bear to continue to watch. I do not understand a troupe of people who cannot do anything but preach hate, to a mob of people who know nothing but hate, and wonder if there is going to be a lynch mob rioting on the streets. The purpose of a political convention is to let people know what you plan to do as President and Vice President, or whatever, and not a venue to stir people up to more and more hatred, thus saying nothing at all. You are not worth my time, nor my energy, nor my care.

Even the pundits, especially Chris Matthews, took every advantage to stir the people up. I think Chris Matthews must be a very stupid man. I don’t think he has a brain in his head because he cannot seem to talk intelligently about anything – he just grins and keeps the pot boiling, asking questions that have nothing to do with the candidates, or the hating speakers, other than to keep the pot stirred.

So I have chosen to not watch the rest of the convention. I cannot think of a single reason why I should. I plan to vote for Hillary Clinton – I have the whole time. It seems pointless to even try to see another point of view when all I hear from these Republicans is hate speech, and nothing with any meat on it.

I will watch the Democrat convention next week. At least from them, I expect some intelligent speeches about what the Presidency and the Congress have in mind to help this country get back on its feet. I don’t expect them to have all the answers – We the People must do our part in this as well – but I expect them to lead, and not sit back and watch this country implode.

And with Republicans today, it will implode. There is so much hate in this country that we are no better than the people you claim to hate. You see them on TV carrying their assault weapons and you want to be just like them. You see the hate in the non-religious followers of other beliefs, and you christians want to be just like them. You see them cutting off people’s heads, and you want to do the same thing here. You don’t want this country to be great – you want it to be just as bad and nasty and full of hate as those people in those countries you claim to hate.

I am ashamed of you.

Carol Stepp
Austin, TX

Posted in Crime, Economics, Equality, Foreign Affairs, Other media, personal thoughts, Politics, Religious | Leave a comment

Swearword – why does this keep happening?


Why does this keep happening?  Why do you keep wondering?

Mass shootings, mass killings, coups (Turkey as I write), Paris, Belgium, Nice, Orlando, Florida, Minnesota, California, Oregon.

I find it difficult to know that many Americans do not understand this.  What do you expect?  Look at history.

We sit and watch television, and wonder about all those people “over there” walking around carrying assault weapons “in the open”, but what is America starting to look like.t

Why does the NRA keep flourishing?  Why do politicians keep taking their money?  That’s easy.  Because too many of us, secretly down deep, want this to happen.  “We” want to look and act like “them”.  We want our little wars.  We want our terroristic trends to be allowed to thrive.  We may not be Kurds and Shi’ite or Muslims, but we are racially and religiously divided.  We want to be them.  Unfortunately, we also want it to be kept over there instead of here, although obviously there are now those who want it to be over here now.

American wars have mostly been fought “over there”:  Germany, France, Britain, the Netherlands, Spain, Iraq, Iran, Turkey, Israel, Syria, China, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Lebanon, Vietnam, Laos, Thailand, Somalia, Kenya, Ethiopia.  The only place in this world that we haven’t ever actively participated in a war is in Australia.  We fought an war of Independence in the northeast.  We fought the Civil War (an oxymoron) in our southern states over slavery.  We killed off Native Americans all over the country for land; we fought the Mexicans in Texas for the same reasons.  It is always over land, religious thought, race.

Well, the way I see it, after almost total destruction of some of those lands, maybe those folk are ready to come fight us for our land, against our religions, for total destruction of our cities and towns and “civilization”.  Problem is, civilization is not something everyone wants.  One can come down through history to realize that.  Civilization is no fun – killing one another and stealing what they have is more fun.

While there may be different names – ISIS, Daesh, al Quaeda, republicans, dominionism, KKK, Inquisition, purifying the blood line, states rights – some among many, they all are for the same things.  They want to kill, they want to get rid of anyone who isn’t just like themselves, they claim to want to defend themselves against “the others”, what they really want is to kill.  Being polite and civilized and peaceful is boring – it is more thrilling to kill, kill, kill.

Don’t think this country is going to escape all that.  They have escaped that for so many years that others are looking to us, including some of our own citizens, as a new place to raid, to shatter to ash and ruin, to spread wide destruction, and if a lot of people get maimed or killed – well, so what, collateral damage.  Christians claim that they hope they are bringing around the rapture – hey, did you think the rapture was gong to be completely painless?  Even the christ you believe in did not go out painlessly.  But don’t kid yourself, he did not take all the evil with him.  Evil is fast making its way over good for the simply act that evil is violent, and good is peaceful.

I am not one of those who love evil.  I believe in love and compassion, and I am going to remain that way.  But don’t kid yourself – if it comes down to defending myself and mine, I won’t hesitate.  Death may be peaceful, but I want, and love, my life, and you won’t get it that easy.

Certainly there is a lot of contempt out there, from both sides against both sides.  How pitiful is that statement, both sides, why must human beings divide themselves into sides.  Did God/dess, or just plain male God, plan for this?  Yes, s/he probably knew this was going to happen.  I believe s/he had hope for humans, but I think he knew better.

You can sit in front of your TVs and gawp and say to yourself, “Goddammit, why does this keep happening?”, but don’t get too comfortable, you may find yourself in the middle of it all.  No-one is safe from revolution.  Keep letting assault weapons proliferate, and one day, one of those may be aimed at you.  Or a bomb may fall in your city, town, burg, and blow it all to rubble.  God knows we have ourselves turned “their” cities, towns, burgs to rubble.  The north turned Atlanta to rubble.  In the name of freedom for all.  When is a gun-toting conservative going to turn Cleveland to rubble?

Oh yeah, maybe next week.

I am weeping for people all over the world.  We/they are way too interested in destruction instead of building up.

Carol Stepp, Austin, TX

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