Suicide – up much

So, I haven’t been on the computer much since Thursday. Once again I discovered I slept through a complete day – last Friday, never got out of bed.

I have always loved my life. I have had a few setbacks, enough to cause me to go into a deep depression, and go suicidal twice. I got help both times, and went to a Mental Health Specialist for a while.

When I realized that sleeping through whole days was a sign of my clinical depression returning, I thought seriously once again about suicide. And I simply cannot do that. I have so many things at hand to help me through these episodes, but I honestly think this whole political season has just about done me in. I don’t trust anyone from our government, nor so many people any longer. I don’t want to get up and face each day. I don’t see a reason to do so.

I have loved politics all my life. I have had fun in politics, working to try and better things, fighting for equal rights for all, no matter who they are. I have walked streets and knocked on doors, and I went on one bus tour for a candidate just a few years ago. Otherwise, it has always been volunteering in offices and making phone calls and keeping up databases and knocking on doors.

I know Hillary to be a good woman, and I liked her husband as our president. I understood, and understand, what is important when a person wants to be my president. I have known her to help so many, especially children. I have watched her through many trials, and tests of character, and as a mom, and have admired her in so many ways, and for so long. I have actually, though, have to defend her integrity so many times I feel like a broken record.

In the meantime, so many people want to crucify her for doing some things that other presidents and their posses, particularly George W. Bush, have gotten by with. It is okay for them, but not for her. I don’t know if it is just because she is a woman, or if we just have so many wicked people who wish they could get away with the same evil deeds these others are doing. I am especially fed up with those who call themselves christians, believing, I guess, that since they have been baptized, they are once saved always saved. This means that since I have been baptized, even though I no longer follow the christian faith, that I could go out and kill one of you and still get to heaven. Wouldn’t it be an awful disappointment to all you self-righteous folk for this pagan to actually get into your idea of heaven just because I have actually been baptized twice – both times into the church of christ, one of the most strict of all in saying how we should live purely.

Well, I woke up early on Saturday and finally got out of bed. I left my computer pretty much alone, and watched college football all day. It didn’t hurt that all of my teams won – Notre Dame, Oklahoma State, Auburn, Clemson, Louisiana State University – but I especially said to myself I’m not going to let you do this to me.

So I’m going to vote early, I’m going to vote for Hillary Clinton and Tim Kaine, and Democratic right down the ballot. And if in Texas there is a race that does not have a Democrat running, I’m going to write someone in just to keep a Republican out.

And after this year, I’m giving up politics. I have seen the worst, now, and the stupidity, now, and the stubbornness, now, and the hatred. I have seen enough innocent people killed by people who love their guns, especially their assault weapons. I have learned that there is just not enough compassion and kindness and love in our world any longer, and although I still believe there is good in most people, the media are not giving them the coverage they should have. They pretty much prefer the titillating stuff that keeps people upside down.

I refuse to let you do this to me. I still have love and kindness and compassion to give, and even those who take advantage of that (I recently gave a needy neighbor $40 to sweep and mop my apartment, and it never got done), but I can get beyond that too.

I can not wish good things to most of you any longer, but I have learned to treasure those who are my friends, and who have the same amount of love and compassion and kindness in them, and they, my dear ones, are the ones who will keep my alive and kicking. The rest of you can just go jump off a cliff into a lava dome, and see if I care. No thoughts and prayers from me for any of you. And don’t come calling for my help, ever.

God/dess bless the rest of you;
In hope and faith in good,

Carol Stepp, Austin, TX

About carolstepp

Music is about the most important thing in my life, and I follow a large number of musicians, particularly Irish, Scots, Classical, Crossovers of any of these. I was writing a blog about Celtic Thunder regularly on MySpace, and now I have left them after a year, and will start writing my blogs here. I am 70, retired, living on Social Security, and have a lot of social network fans.
This entry was posted in Equality, Family, Friends, Health, Mental health, personal thoughts. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s